1 00:00:00,233 --> 00:00:03,168 (Man) Who'll start me at 100? 100 for a start. 2 00:00:03,236 --> 00:00:05,261 100 I'm bid. 100 I'm bid. 3 00:00:05,338 --> 00:00:08,205 Who'll give me 10, who'll make it 110? I'm looking for 110. 4 00:00:08,274 --> 00:00:10,333 100? 110 I'm bid. 110? 5 00:00:10,410 --> 00:00:13,902 Who'll make it 20? Come on, gentlemen, who'll make it 20? 6 00:00:13,980 --> 00:00:16,380 120 I'm bid. It's with you, madam, at 120. 7 00:00:16,449 --> 00:00:18,917 Do I hear 50? 150 anywhere? 8 00:00:18,985 --> 00:00:23,684 Come on, gentlemen, that's a genuine antique. They don't come up every day. 150? 9 00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:25,554 150 I'm bid. 10 00:00:28,428 --> 00:00:30,862 Come on, gentlemen, I'm looking for 350. 11 00:00:30,930 --> 00:00:33,228 350 anywhere? 12 00:00:33,299 --> 00:00:35,995 Don't lose it, madam, don't lose it for another 50. 13 00:00:37,070 --> 00:00:39,800 350 anywhere? 350 I'm bid. 14 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:43,104 At 350. Who'll make it four? I'm looking for four. 15 00:00:43,176 --> 00:00:46,043 Any more? At 350. 16 00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:50,310 Are you all done? At 350? At 350... 17 00:00:51,684 --> 00:00:53,584 Lovejoy. 18 00:01:05,365 --> 00:01:09,699 Well, why would your friend come all the way from Chelmsford just to see me? 19 00:01:09,769 --> 00:01:11,999 Unless he'd heard of Woody's cuisine. 20 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:15,803 Sergeant Lloyd came because Sergeant Lloyd is attached to the Fraud Squad. 21 00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:19,072 And he wants to ask you some questions about a particular picture. 22 00:01:19,145 --> 00:01:20,442 What picture? 23 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:30,689 According to a Mr. Leonard Cousins, of Ridgeley near Chelmsford 24 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:34,022 you sold him this picture confirming it was a 19th-century watercolor 25 00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:35,994 by George Sheffield. 26 00:01:36,062 --> 00:01:38,997 He bought what he saw. He liked what he saw. 27 00:01:39,065 --> 00:01:42,228 It looks like a George Sheffield but that doesn't mean to say I said it was. 28 00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:45,703 You pass off someone else's work for gain, you'll end up inside, Lovejoy. 29 00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:47,637 Oh, not yet, Sarge. 30 00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:54,002 I'll have to operate. Woody, scalpel. 31 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:57,538 Forceps! Oh, never mind I'll use this knife. 32 00:02:00,987 --> 00:02:03,820 - What are you up to, Lovejoy? - Proving my innocence. 33 00:02:03,890 --> 00:02:06,484 I spend most of my life proving my innocence. 34 00:02:06,559 --> 00:02:09,392 I know all about passing off other people's work, Sergeant, 35 00:02:09,462 --> 00:02:13,455 and I can make any likeness I want providing I don't infringe copyright. 36 00:02:13,533 --> 00:02:15,933 Which means I can paint any picture I want. 37 00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:19,403 As long as I sign my own name. Excuse me. 38 00:02:21,708 --> 00:02:23,232 Genuine Lovejoy. 39 00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:26,335 You really could have saved your trip from Chelmsford. 40 00:02:41,394 --> 00:02:43,021 Lovejoy? 41 00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:48,033 - I need a favor. - We all do, Charlie. 42 00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:51,593 I'm sure I need more favors than you. I'm a penniless God-fearing dealer, 43 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:54,435 whereas you own half the town and most of the people in it. 44 00:02:54,507 --> 00:02:57,567 A mutual favor, boy. You do something for me, I give you money. 45 00:02:57,644 --> 00:03:01,307 That's a tempting word to penniless God-fearing people. 46 00:03:01,381 --> 00:03:03,815 - Go on. - My auctioneer's sick. 47 00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:07,649 We've an auction tomorrow. So I have three other places. 48 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:10,712 There's no one available. Will you stand in? 49 00:03:10,790 --> 00:03:13,350 That's not quite honest, you know, Charlie. 50 00:03:13,426 --> 00:03:15,917 A dealer, doing an auction. 51 00:03:16,829 --> 00:03:18,626 Is that going to stop you? 52 00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:32,508 (Man) Look, I promise you it's not like anything else. 53 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:36,038 No, look, it's really good stuff. 54 00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:40,146 There's been such shit recently. 55 00:03:46,693 --> 00:03:48,422 - Morning, Reg. - Hello, Lovejoy. 56 00:03:48,494 --> 00:03:50,485 So you're going to help us, Lovejoy? 57 00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:53,293 A man whose electricity's been cut off has no choice, Fred. 58 00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:56,961 Old Harry took sick, inflamed broncs or something. He's never been a well man. 59 00:03:57,036 --> 00:04:00,904 Good thing you stay in shape though, Fred. You still doing the aerobics? 60 00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:03,704 Er, Reg and Arnold will be your miffs tomorrow. 61 00:04:03,776 --> 00:04:05,869 Are you expecting a big crowd? Many pros? 62 00:04:05,945 --> 00:04:10,644 I think that bunch from Brighton are coming. Georgian commemorative medals, they're after. 63 00:04:10,717 --> 00:04:12,014 I never liked that lot. 64 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,952 Think I'll throw in a couple off the ward, make them dig deeper. 65 00:04:15,021 --> 00:04:18,320 - I didn't hear that, Lovejoy. - Of course you didn't, Mr. Bigelow. 66 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,060 (Lovejoy) Gimbert's is a typical auction, 67 00:04:23,129 --> 00:04:26,462 such as you'll find in any quaint, sleepy English country town. 68 00:04:26,532 --> 00:04:31,469 Behind that august classical exterior beats the scarlet emotion of pure greed. 69 00:04:31,537 --> 00:04:36,304 I'm afraid when antiques come in at the door, morality exits through the window. 70 00:04:36,376 --> 00:04:40,073 It's no one's fault really. It's just the way we're made. 71 00:04:40,146 --> 00:04:42,944 If I wasn't made the way I am I wouldn't have taken the gig. 72 00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:44,916 I wouldn't have met the girl. 73 00:04:59,399 --> 00:05:01,833 If someone wants to buy, I sell. 74 00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:04,836 - I'm not a pawnbroker, my dear. - I know. 75 00:05:04,904 --> 00:05:07,896 It's just that I thought they might be still here. 76 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,169 They are rather expensive after all. 77 00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:13,337 Well, you might be in luck. Let me look in my book. 78 00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:16,905 A dealer bought them from Suffolk if I remember rightly. 79 00:05:26,959 --> 00:05:28,950 Hello, Cuthie. 80 00:05:29,028 --> 00:05:32,122 (Laughs) I haven't seen you in ages. 81 00:05:32,198 --> 00:05:34,462 I don't get out of the house much, Lovejoy. 82 00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:37,002 Considering what you do in there it's just as well. 83 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:40,836 Now, now, now. I'm a copyist, my son. 84 00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:42,807 One of a dying breed. 85 00:05:42,875 --> 00:05:44,240 (Laughs) 86 00:05:50,717 --> 00:05:54,244 Hello, Lovejoy. I hear you're in charge. 87 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:59,621 - "Have gavel will travel," eh? - Oh, please, Eric. 88 00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:02,320 "Georgian walnut veneered cabinet." 89 00:06:03,162 --> 00:06:05,221 I must admit it's not a bad fake though, is it? 90 00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:07,528 - Not Georgian? - No. 91 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,158 Bloke called Tredaway. 92 00:06:09,235 --> 00:06:12,227 Knocks out one of these every month in his shed near Ipswich. 93 00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:15,468 - Didn't fool me neither. - Catchpole. 94 00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:18,908 - (Whispers) Look. - What? 95 00:06:23,950 --> 00:06:26,942 Amazing. Well? 96 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:33,189 Um... Some sort of Chinese vase, yeah? 97 00:06:33,259 --> 00:06:34,817 It's not some sort of anything, 98 00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:38,557 it is a beautiful, superb 15th-century Korean stoneware pot. 99 00:06:38,631 --> 00:06:41,122 I was nearly right. I knew it was somewhere around there. 100 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:45,227 Tell Tinker to get his bum in here. Bid for lot 62. 101 00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:49,363 - Well, where will I find him? - They're open, aren't they? 102 00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:03,885 - Breakfast, Tink? - (Slurring) Elevenses. 103 00:07:03,956 --> 00:07:05,924 - Ah, there you are. - Ah, what do you want? 104 00:07:05,992 --> 00:07:10,986 Lovejoy wants you. And I don't reckon it's for anything honest. 105 00:07:11,831 --> 00:07:16,131 And the next lot, a Georgian walnut veneer cabinet. 106 00:07:16,202 --> 00:07:17,760 Showing here, sir. 107 00:07:17,837 --> 00:07:20,271 Oh, shall we start at say 350? Do I hear 350? 108 00:07:20,339 --> 00:07:22,466 What would you bid, lovey? You know the real thing when you see it. 109 00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:25,272 Very true, Helen, but unfortunately your legs are not in the auction. 110 00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:27,335 (Laughter) 111 00:07:27,413 --> 00:07:29,108 400? 112 00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:31,742 400 over there. 450? 450 over there. 113 00:07:31,818 --> 00:07:33,251 Once. Ah, 500. 114 00:07:33,319 --> 00:07:35,048 Going once. Come on, you cheap lot. 115 00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:38,284 Five, going... Gone at 500! 116 00:07:38,357 --> 00:07:40,848 Grant. West Bothant. 117 00:07:40,927 --> 00:07:43,418 - Lot 62. - Showing here, sir. 118 00:07:43,496 --> 00:07:46,021 It's some sort of oriental bottle. Allegedly Korean. 119 00:07:46,098 --> 00:07:48,464 Shall we start the biding at say, 350? Do I hear 350? 120 00:07:48,534 --> 00:07:50,195 Thank you. 375? 121 00:07:50,269 --> 00:07:52,134 Ah, gentlefolk. 122 00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:55,197 We are privileged to have with us Monsieur Dandy Jack. 123 00:07:55,274 --> 00:07:57,868 One of the world's leading authorities on objets d'art. 124 00:07:57,944 --> 00:08:01,311 Though we all know he can't tell the difference between a medieval chalice and a chip pan. 125 00:08:01,380 --> 00:08:03,848 - And he's brought a friend with him. - (Laughter) 126 00:08:04,684 --> 00:08:06,879 Heard something funny, Bigelow? 127 00:08:06,953 --> 00:08:10,047 I have 450. Sold, 450. 128 00:08:18,464 --> 00:08:20,830 - That was very, very wicked. - My remark? 129 00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:23,494 But, Helen, it's true your legs are renowned. 130 00:08:23,569 --> 00:08:25,696 Correct. But I meant the Korean bottle. 131 00:08:25,771 --> 00:08:28,934 Alas, I have betrayed the secret trust of the brotherhood of auctioneers, 132 00:08:29,008 --> 00:08:30,305 I shall have to hand in my gavel. 133 00:08:30,376 --> 00:08:33,573 - Well, I'll settle for a large vodka and tonic. - That's done. 134 00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:48,683 (Laughter) 135 00:08:48,761 --> 00:08:50,058 Hello? 136 00:08:50,129 --> 00:08:52,825 I wondered if I might have a word with you? 137 00:08:53,799 --> 00:08:56,233 - I'm Carinna Hope. - Lovejoy. 138 00:08:56,302 --> 00:08:57,997 Eric Catchpole, Tinker Dill. 139 00:08:58,070 --> 00:09:01,870 Don't be alarmed by the bloodshot eyes, he's the finest barker in the business. 140 00:09:01,941 --> 00:09:03,272 Really. 141 00:09:03,342 --> 00:09:04,969 Would you like to talk somewhere more private? 142 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,410 - Please. - Gentlemen. 143 00:09:11,183 --> 00:09:13,344 Why are these figures so important? 144 00:09:15,821 --> 00:09:17,880 Well... 145 00:09:17,957 --> 00:09:22,451 Recently, my mother was forced to sell off quite a considerable amount of things. 146 00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:25,827 Daddy died and we have quite a large estate and... 147 00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:27,490 - Oh, death duties. - Yes, yes. 148 00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:28,625 Oh, go on. 149 00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:30,726 She was particularly fond of these figures. 150 00:09:30,803 --> 00:09:34,000 I mean there are emotional attachments, I suppose. 151 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:37,933 I just wanted to get them back for her, that's all. 152 00:09:38,477 --> 00:09:40,104 Would you like me to find them for you? 153 00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:42,113 - Please, and buy them for me. - Mm? 154 00:09:42,181 --> 00:09:46,208 Well I'm sure you'd be much better than me at bidding. You know, that kind of thing. 155 00:09:49,021 --> 00:09:51,114 How much are you prepared to bid? 156 00:09:51,190 --> 00:09:53,385 I have �3,000. 157 00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:55,454 Should be more then enough. 158 00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:58,361 Of course I shall expect you to take something for yourself. 159 00:10:00,099 --> 00:10:04,968 How do you know I won't cash this and toddle off to the Bahamas? 160 00:10:12,378 --> 00:10:13,367 Dill. 161 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,380 Oh, that's very kind of you, I'll have a gin. 162 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:19,316 - Lot 62. - What about lot 62? 163 00:10:19,385 --> 00:10:20,909 You bought it. 164 00:10:20,987 --> 00:10:25,083 You're the proud possessor of a 15th-century Korean pot. 165 00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:30,592 Or at least you will be, when you cough up �450. 166 00:10:30,663 --> 00:10:35,600 I'm even now awaiting the imminent arrival of my backers 167 00:10:35,668 --> 00:10:37,636 with the readies, Mr. Bigelow. 168 00:10:38,537 --> 00:10:40,630 I should hope so, Mr. Dill. 169 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:45,069 I know you get the heart tremors whenever you see something you fancy, old son, 170 00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:48,204 but we really should have the wherewithal to cover the bid. 171 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:52,740 - If we can't pay up, well... - Well what? 172 00:10:53,819 --> 00:10:55,616 Could damage our credibility. 173 00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,851 (Both laugh) 174 00:11:01,193 --> 00:11:03,388 Having a right old giggle you two, are you, eh? 175 00:11:03,462 --> 00:11:06,363 A right old belly laugh about this morning? 176 00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:09,424 - What are you talking about, Charlie? - His Korean bloody bottle. 177 00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:12,232 - Or yours as now is. - Tinker just doesn't bark for me. 178 00:11:12,304 --> 00:11:14,431 Oh, come off it, Lovejoy. That was your scam. 179 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:17,408 You closed the bid before the rest of us had blinked an eyelid. 180 00:11:17,476 --> 00:11:20,604 450. What a bloody song. 181 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:24,309 You reckon? 15th century, must be worth twice as much. 182 00:11:24,383 --> 00:11:27,375 Then 600 would still be a song, wouldn't it? 183 00:11:30,322 --> 00:11:32,085 You wanna lay it off already? 184 00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:35,423 It's obviously dear to your heart, Charlie, otherwise you wouldn't be so upset. 185 00:11:35,494 --> 00:11:37,758 - 550? - (Lovejoy and Tink) Done. 186 00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:42,728 No, no. That'll do. 187 00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:46,638 You can give Bigelow the balance. 188 00:11:49,408 --> 00:11:52,434 You hadn't even paid for the bloody thing. 189 00:11:52,511 --> 00:11:54,775 (Both laugh) 190 00:12:00,986 --> 00:12:02,715 (Phone) 191 00:12:05,825 --> 00:12:07,986 Hello? 192 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,357 - Hello? - Hello, Dad. 193 00:12:09,428 --> 00:12:11,919 - Oh, it's you, Kate. - You know we've broken up? 194 00:12:11,997 --> 00:12:14,397 0h, you've not forgotten? 195 00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:17,561 Of course not. I'm just on my way to the station. 196 00:12:17,636 --> 00:12:21,265 - What time will you be here? - Oh, before lunch. 197 00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:24,309 Oh, we aren't going to go poking around Portobello Road and Islington 198 00:12:24,376 --> 00:12:26,674 looking for moldy old antiques, are we? 199 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,806 - I promise. - Can we have lunch at the Hard Rock? 200 00:12:29,882 --> 00:12:31,713 It's so noisy Kate. 201 00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:33,513 Oh, Dad, you're so boring. 202 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,144 All right, all right, all right. 203 00:12:35,221 --> 00:12:37,212 - Do you want to pick me up here? - No. 204 00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:38,654 Mummy won't be in. 205 00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:41,626 All right, darling. 206 00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:43,992 I'll see you around 12:30ish then. Bye-bye. 207 00:12:44,063 --> 00:12:45,360 Bye. 208 00:12:51,303 --> 00:12:53,066 Oh! 209 00:12:55,341 --> 00:13:00,973 No, I'm sorry Lady Felsham's not at home. Oh, it's you, Mr. Lovejoy. 210 00:13:02,214 --> 00:13:06,116 No, she won't be back until next week, she's gone to a christening in Cirencester. 211 00:13:06,185 --> 00:13:08,653 Yeah, bye. 212 00:13:09,054 --> 00:13:11,045 - Was that for me, Mrs. Cameron? - Er, no, sir. 213 00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:13,990 - It was that Mr. Lovejoy. - Oh, was it? 214 00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:17,792 I can't for the life of me imagine what my wife sees in that chap. 215 00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:20,331 Does he come here very often, Mrs. Cameron? 216 00:13:20,399 --> 00:13:22,424 Only, I think, to restore things, sir. 217 00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:24,662 Mm. Right. 218 00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:26,971 (Phone) 219 00:13:33,512 --> 00:13:34,843 Hello. 220 00:13:35,781 --> 00:13:36,748 Who? 221 00:13:39,185 --> 00:13:41,847 Are you Mr. Lovejoy, Mr. Lovejoy? 222 00:13:41,921 --> 00:13:43,821 I am both, sir. 223 00:13:43,889 --> 00:13:45,550 Someone wants you on the phone. 224 00:13:46,258 --> 00:13:47,555 What? 225 00:13:54,533 --> 00:13:56,865 Here you go. Hope it ain't tragic, mate. 226 00:13:58,037 --> 00:13:59,095 Lovejoy. 227 00:13:59,171 --> 00:14:03,608 Ah, Lovejoy, caught you. Good. Young Catchpole told me you were off to the smoke. 228 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,405 In a couple of minutes, what's the matter? 229 00:14:05,477 --> 00:14:08,037 Well, those two Myson figures you asked me to trace. 230 00:14:08,113 --> 00:14:09,546 You found them? 231 00:14:09,615 --> 00:14:11,913 There coming up at Ellaby's at Chad market. 232 00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:13,474 Great, Cuthie. When? 233 00:14:13,552 --> 00:14:17,648 Today, Lovejoy, this afternoon. That's the panic. 234 00:14:18,424 --> 00:14:21,120 Today? I can't make today! 235 00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:22,956 Eric! 236 00:14:23,996 --> 00:14:27,193 Ah, did Cuthie get you? I came over just in case. 237 00:14:27,266 --> 00:14:29,325 Good, lad. Listen. 238 00:14:29,401 --> 00:14:32,029 There's gotta be somebody covering Chad market. 239 00:14:34,573 --> 00:14:38,703 Try Tinker but I think he's away. Well, if not, anyone we know. 240 00:14:38,777 --> 00:14:42,144 Get the details from Cuthie and give whoever goes this check. 241 00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:46,378 - Can't I manage? - It's a lot to ask, kid, it's an auction. 242 00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:48,477 You'll find someone. 243 00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:50,749 Dandy Jack, Helen. 244 00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:52,188 Lovejoy! 245 00:15:11,176 --> 00:15:12,803 Oh, come on. 246 00:15:31,730 --> 00:15:34,722 There are three types of restaurants I can't stand. 247 00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:37,530 Ones where Italian waiters sing Happy Birthday to you. 248 00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:39,400 Ones where they cook steak Diane under your nose 249 00:15:39,471 --> 00:15:41,371 and ones where you can't make a reservation. 250 00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:46,070 Oh, so you don't mind ones that play Big Country at full blast during your hamburger. 251 00:15:51,050 --> 00:15:52,677 (Horn toots) 252 00:16:09,001 --> 00:16:12,437 Bloody lunatic! What the hell do you want? 253 00:16:12,504 --> 00:16:16,270 Morning, Mr. Gimbert. I heard you're off to Chad market. 254 00:16:16,342 --> 00:16:18,572 Lovejoy wants a favor. 255 00:16:19,945 --> 00:16:22,379 Hey, Mr. Lovejoy? Mr. Lovejoy! 256 00:16:23,682 --> 00:16:27,345 Message for you. From Eric. 257 00:16:27,419 --> 00:16:29,046 - Cheers. - Oh, anytime. 258 00:16:29,121 --> 00:16:33,251 Phone calls, messages, feel free. Drop your laundry off if you want! 259 00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:35,850 Oh, thanks. Easy on the starch, all right? 260 00:17:04,490 --> 00:17:06,481 Oh, no! You shouldn't see me look like this. 261 00:17:06,558 --> 00:17:08,423 - Like what? - Without me face on. 262 00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:11,019 Amanda, I've seen you without your face on. 263 00:17:11,096 --> 00:17:14,588 - Not for a long time you haven't. - May I come in, please? 264 00:17:19,304 --> 00:17:21,795 If you've just come by on the off chance, 265 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:23,933 you've picked the wrong moment. 266 00:17:24,009 --> 00:17:27,172 Charlie's indoors and I'm off to a barbecue. 267 00:17:27,246 --> 00:17:28,270 In this? 268 00:17:29,281 --> 00:17:30,771 It's indoors. 269 00:17:32,317 --> 00:17:34,410 Actually, darling, I just came out to see your brother. 270 00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:36,977 Oh, sod you then. He's in the lounge. 271 00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:41,917 He looks like he's got Nora Batty's socks on, therel 272 00:17:43,295 --> 00:17:46,560 They policemen have flat feet. They got webbed feet in thisl 273 00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:50,591 - What the heck do you want? - I was a bit anxious about the figures. 274 00:17:50,669 --> 00:17:53,536 - You picked them up, didn't you? - Oh, them. 275 00:17:53,605 --> 00:17:55,971 - No, afraid I didn't. - What?! 276 00:17:56,041 --> 00:18:00,410 I was outbid. Some other party went over the three grand. 277 00:18:00,479 --> 00:18:04,381 I could have kept going with my own money of course but then I'd have to get it back off you. 278 00:18:04,450 --> 00:18:07,544 And that would have been a bit daft, wouldn't it? 279 00:18:07,619 --> 00:18:10,383 Sorry about that, I didn't realize they meant so much to you. 280 00:18:10,456 --> 00:18:12,117 Who was it? Anyone we know? 281 00:18:12,191 --> 00:18:15,217 None of the lads, didn't look like no dealer neither. 282 00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:18,129 Some punter. 283 00:18:19,164 --> 00:18:22,133 Still, not the end of the world, is it? 284 00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:25,728 I just don't like letting people down, that's all. 285 00:18:25,804 --> 00:18:29,331 Oh, come off it, Lovejoy, that's what you do best. 286 00:18:41,487 --> 00:18:45,446 (Answerphone) If you wish to leave a message for Carinna please speak after the beep. 287 00:18:45,524 --> 00:18:47,515 (Beep) 288 00:18:48,293 --> 00:18:51,057 Message for Carinna. This is Lovejoy. 289 00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,628 I'm afraid the figures were sold. 290 00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:02,434 Lady Jane, I wasn't aware you were back. 291 00:19:02,508 --> 00:19:04,169 Oh, good morning, Mrs. Cameron. 292 00:19:04,243 --> 00:19:07,269 I drove back last night, got in terribly late. 293 00:19:07,346 --> 00:19:10,873 - Can I get you some breakfast? - Oh, coffee would be lovely, thanks. 294 00:19:10,949 --> 00:19:13,349 Lovejoy. It's me, I'm back. 295 00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:17,521 Yes, of course you've missed me. 296 00:19:17,589 --> 00:19:20,023 Listen, do you want to shoot some pool? 297 00:19:22,861 --> 00:19:24,624 If the young thing was so captivating, 298 00:19:24,696 --> 00:19:27,164 I can't imagine why you didn't cover the auction yourself. 299 00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:28,824 I couldn't, I promised to see Kate. 300 00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,630 - Right. - As soon as school's on holiday, 301 00:19:30,702 --> 00:19:35,139 Mum whips her off to foreign climes - anything to keep her away from me. 302 00:19:35,207 --> 00:19:37,835 - That's a nice shot. - What was the girl's name? 303 00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:41,175 Hope. Carinna Hope. 304 00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:42,941 Oh, I think I know her. 305 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,482 Rings a vague bell. 306 00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:46,415 Oh, you lot all know each other, don't you? 307 00:19:46,485 --> 00:19:50,649 - What do you mean "you lot"? - Aristos, like the bloody mafia. 308 00:19:50,722 --> 00:19:52,280 You nearly missed that. 309 00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:56,259 We do tend to close our ranks but only to repel people like yourself. 310 00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:02,230 You'll never get that. 311 00:20:09,608 --> 00:20:11,075 Go on. 312 00:20:15,614 --> 00:20:18,310 Oh, I know who Carinna Hope is. 313 00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:20,044 She was at Cramborn Chase with a cousin of mine. 314 00:20:20,118 --> 00:20:23,349 - Her father was Lord Southwell. - He died quite recently, she said. 315 00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:27,791 That's right, in fact Lady Southwell's auctioning off some of the estate quite soon. 316 00:20:27,859 --> 00:20:30,919 - You should go to that one. - What do you mean auctioning off quite soon? 317 00:20:30,996 --> 00:20:33,487 Sometime this month, I think. Read it in Country Life. 318 00:20:33,565 --> 00:20:37,695 No, no, no, this Carinna Hope said the auction was some time ago. 319 00:20:37,769 --> 00:20:39,794 That's where the figures were originally sold. 320 00:20:39,871 --> 00:20:42,533 No, you must have got the wrong end of the stick. 321 00:20:42,608 --> 00:20:45,509 The auction's coming up, the father only died last month. 322 00:21:31,189 --> 00:21:33,657 Hold still or I'll bloody brain you! 323 00:21:33,725 --> 00:21:35,716 Please! You're hurting me. 324 00:21:38,030 --> 00:21:39,657 You! 325 00:21:40,899 --> 00:21:44,062 Why the hell are you turning my house over? 326 00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:47,333 Oh, you thought I'd stolen your figures, didn't you? 327 00:21:47,406 --> 00:21:48,771 It's possible. 328 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:52,936 Oh, well, you might have seen this before you trashed my beautiful home. 329 00:21:53,011 --> 00:21:55,878 You might have bought them with your own money, you might have wanted them yourself. 330 00:21:55,947 --> 00:21:57,915 I might have done but I had a deal with you. 331 00:21:57,983 --> 00:22:01,282 Also, if I had three grand do you think I'd be living like this? 332 00:22:04,723 --> 00:22:06,691 Would you like some tea? 333 00:22:13,231 --> 00:22:14,562 Fat lot of use you are. 334 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,968 (Alarm rings) 335 00:22:25,677 --> 00:22:27,645 (Alarm stops) 336 00:22:29,981 --> 00:22:31,812 You're really desperate for those figures, aren't you? 337 00:22:31,883 --> 00:22:34,010 - I told you why. - No, you didn't. 338 00:22:34,086 --> 00:22:35,883 Your mother hasn't even had her auction yet. 339 00:22:35,954 --> 00:22:37,751 So you're not trying to give her the figures back, 340 00:22:37,823 --> 00:22:40,018 you're trying to replace them before there absence is noticed. 341 00:22:40,092 --> 00:22:41,559 That's what all this panic's about. 342 00:22:41,626 --> 00:22:43,150 How do you know about this? 343 00:22:43,228 --> 00:22:45,924 I've been doing a little checking on the Southwells. 344 00:22:45,997 --> 00:22:49,296 I know they're a typical British upper crust family of the '80s. 345 00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:52,769 Father was something in the City, Mother stayed in Dorset and made jam. 346 00:22:52,838 --> 00:22:55,602 There's a brother somewhere in Bali, the elder sister works for Ashbury's 347 00:22:55,674 --> 00:22:57,608 and the younger one's in a fashionable clinic. 348 00:22:57,676 --> 00:22:59,507 - For drug addiction. - I was. 349 00:22:59,578 --> 00:23:00,909 I'm clean now. 350 00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:04,275 Not when you stole the figures, you weren't. 351 00:23:06,718 --> 00:23:09,949 I'm not being hard on you, I still want to help you. 352 00:23:12,791 --> 00:23:14,691 Well? 353 00:23:17,429 --> 00:23:19,989 I stole them when I was on smack. 354 00:23:21,133 --> 00:23:23,966 At first I sold things, things that were mine. 355 00:23:24,035 --> 00:23:25,935 Jewelry, clothes, you know. 356 00:23:26,004 --> 00:23:27,835 Then things from home. 357 00:23:29,975 --> 00:23:32,136 The figures were most serious. 358 00:23:32,210 --> 00:23:34,735 Family didn't know about them but they knew about me. 359 00:23:34,813 --> 00:23:36,371 Put me into treatment. 360 00:23:36,448 --> 00:23:38,712 So where did you get the cash from to buy them back? 361 00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:41,886 You might as well be straight with me about everything. 362 00:23:45,490 --> 00:23:47,617 I took it from someone I lived with. 363 00:23:47,692 --> 00:23:49,819 His name's David, he's a dealer. 364 00:23:49,895 --> 00:23:52,557 He's the reason I got into this mess in the first place. 365 00:23:52,631 --> 00:23:57,227 Is he the kind of fellow that would let three grand go missing without making a fuss? 366 00:23:59,171 --> 00:24:00,138 No. 367 00:24:00,672 --> 00:24:02,196 Is he looking for you? 368 00:24:12,717 --> 00:24:14,480 I wish you wouldn't drink while I drive. 369 00:24:14,553 --> 00:24:18,387 - I'm wearing my seat belt. - Won't save your liver, mon brave. 370 00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:19,890 I'm only thinking of you. 371 00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:24,691 You're not, you're thinking of that slim-waisted bit of upper crust skirt. They're green. 372 00:24:31,937 --> 00:24:34,337 Yeah... 47. 373 00:24:35,173 --> 00:24:39,803 One, four, five, nine... 374 00:24:39,878 --> 00:24:41,743 Four, six, zero. 375 00:24:43,014 --> 00:24:46,814 Ah, haven't seen you in this neck of the woods for a while, Lovejoy. 376 00:24:46,885 --> 00:24:49,854 And I promise never to come back again if you give me some information. 377 00:24:49,921 --> 00:24:52,151 Oh, yes. Like what? 378 00:24:52,224 --> 00:24:54,624 Your last auction, you sold two Myson figures. 379 00:24:57,028 --> 00:24:59,496 - Remember? - Should I? 380 00:24:59,564 --> 00:25:02,192 They went for over 3,000, you'd remember. 381 00:25:02,267 --> 00:25:06,636 Well, even if we did, it's not our policy to disclose the purchaser. 382 00:25:06,705 --> 00:25:11,608 Oh, come off it, I could ask anyone who was there and they'd tell me who it was. 383 00:25:11,676 --> 00:25:13,803 Well, then I suggest you ask them, Lovejoy. 384 00:25:13,879 --> 00:25:16,939 - That would take ages. - Well, that's your problem. 385 00:25:17,015 --> 00:25:20,712 It would be your problem if they were stolen goods. You'd be in dead trouble. 386 00:25:20,785 --> 00:25:26,348 Well, even if they were stolen, their description does not appear on any official list, 387 00:25:26,424 --> 00:25:29,086 so Maple and Company are happily absolved. 388 00:25:29,895 --> 00:25:32,363 Yes, I do remember the transaction. 389 00:25:33,064 --> 00:25:37,160 And I know that the purchaser does not wish his identity revealed. 390 00:25:37,235 --> 00:25:40,432 He has his integrity and we at Maples have ours. 391 00:25:40,505 --> 00:25:45,875 Does your integrity include passing off this catalog of garbage as genuine? 392 00:25:46,811 --> 00:25:49,507 - What are you talking about? - Your imminent sale, old sport. 393 00:25:49,581 --> 00:25:53,039 I suppose it'll fool most of the grockles. 394 00:25:53,118 --> 00:25:55,177 - Grockles? - Tourists. 395 00:25:55,253 --> 00:25:59,246 You don't even know the slang, never mind the merchandise. 396 00:25:59,324 --> 00:26:02,452 Phony Dresden, phony Stafford. Phony Chelsea. 397 00:26:02,527 --> 00:26:07,294 - Phony? Now, how dare you! - Regardez, mon ami. 398 00:26:07,365 --> 00:26:10,960 Now, look, Lovejoy, that is genuine Persian influence 399 00:26:11,036 --> 00:26:13,766 Russian silver gilt, 1840. 400 00:26:13,838 --> 00:26:15,635 Hong Kong, 1940. 401 00:26:15,707 --> 00:26:18,471 Funny how these modern Eastern copies give themselves away 402 00:26:18,543 --> 00:26:20,511 by being too rigid a design. 403 00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:25,016 William and Mary commemorative plate. I like his style. 404 00:26:25,083 --> 00:26:30,248 - That is a genuine blue and yellow. - Genuine blue and yellow? 405 00:26:30,322 --> 00:26:33,780 But the yellow should be mustard and the blue, very blue. 406 00:26:33,858 --> 00:26:36,986 - Late Saxon sword. - That's very late. 407 00:26:37,062 --> 00:26:39,189 It's last week, look at the solder. 408 00:26:39,264 --> 00:26:43,564 Not very well known for their electro-soldering techniques, the Saxons. 409 00:26:46,871 --> 00:26:49,601 Are you trying to blackmail me, Lovejoy? 410 00:26:49,674 --> 00:26:51,699 Yes. 411 00:26:58,783 --> 00:27:00,751 Here it is. 412 00:27:01,753 --> 00:27:05,587 The figures sold for �950. 413 00:27:06,658 --> 00:27:08,353 Who to? 414 00:27:13,698 --> 00:27:16,189 - Where is he? - Gone for a drive. 415 00:27:16,267 --> 00:27:18,235 You could catch him at the farm. 416 00:27:21,573 --> 00:27:23,541 Lovejoy? I... 417 00:27:30,215 --> 00:27:32,240 I'm too old to find another job now. 418 00:27:32,317 --> 00:27:35,980 So I don't have the nerve to tell him what to do with this one. 419 00:27:36,054 --> 00:27:39,512 Turn the other cheek, blind eye, often. 420 00:27:39,591 --> 00:27:41,422 You understand? 421 00:27:42,494 --> 00:27:44,587 I understand, Fred. I'm sorry. 422 00:27:46,865 --> 00:27:49,925 - He got your figures, Lovejoy. - I know. 423 00:27:52,137 --> 00:27:54,298 I appreciate you telling me, hm? 424 00:28:02,447 --> 00:28:04,176 Why did you do it, Charlie? 425 00:28:04,249 --> 00:28:07,741 Well, next to jade, I'm very partial to 18th-century Myson. 426 00:28:07,819 --> 00:28:10,947 - No truly, took my fancy, they did. - All right, how much? 427 00:28:11,022 --> 00:28:12,580 And I know what you paid for them. 428 00:28:12,657 --> 00:28:14,420 I'm not selling. Not yet, anyway. 429 00:28:14,492 --> 00:28:17,893 Oh, come off it you can't be pissed off about the Korean pot, 430 00:28:17,962 --> 00:28:19,827 you still got a bargain at 550. 431 00:28:19,898 --> 00:28:21,331 Nothing to do with it, Lovejoy. 432 00:28:21,399 --> 00:28:24,232 Don't you understand anything about our relationship? 433 00:28:25,637 --> 00:28:28,538 I know you think I'm a feckless, irresponsible turd. 434 00:28:28,606 --> 00:28:30,403 Exactly. 435 00:28:30,475 --> 00:28:33,638 Our relationship, sport, is based on mutual loathing. 436 00:28:33,712 --> 00:28:35,577 But it's a living thing. 437 00:28:36,915 --> 00:28:38,610 It needs nurturing. 438 00:28:38,683 --> 00:28:42,346 It has to be sustained by continual conflict and abuse. 439 00:28:43,021 --> 00:28:43,988 Pull. 440 00:28:47,158 --> 00:28:49,888 I want those figures because I know how much you want them. 441 00:28:49,961 --> 00:28:53,124 - And screwing you lifts my heart. - That's sick. 442 00:28:53,965 --> 00:28:55,262 You need a shrink. 443 00:28:55,333 --> 00:28:57,301 Oh, I'm not a happy man, Lovejoy. 444 00:28:57,368 --> 00:29:01,031 I'm not well liked, I drink far too much and the doctors say I shouldn't, 445 00:29:01,106 --> 00:29:02,971 and I have a sister with green hair 446 00:29:03,041 --> 00:29:08,035 who slags it off with every stud in the parish, as you can testify. 447 00:29:08,113 --> 00:29:10,274 Oh, I need you, Lovejoy. 448 00:29:10,348 --> 00:29:14,512 Since my wife died I... I need someone to hate. 449 00:29:16,121 --> 00:29:17,179 Pull. 450 00:29:24,996 --> 00:29:26,327 (Eric) There's no car. 451 00:29:26,397 --> 00:29:28,865 (Lovejoy) Charlie's usually down the White Hart on Thursdays 452 00:29:28,933 --> 00:29:30,230 and Amanda will be at some disco. 453 00:29:30,301 --> 00:29:32,201 (Eric) I don't like this, you know. 454 00:29:32,270 --> 00:29:34,864 (Lovejoy) Just get the bike out of the way and honk if anyone shows up. 455 00:29:34,939 --> 00:29:37,999 - Well, that makes me an accessory. - Oh, first time, eh? 456 00:29:38,076 --> 00:29:39,373 Go! 457 00:30:48,346 --> 00:30:51,213 Lovejoy, what are you doing? 458 00:30:53,284 --> 00:30:54,911 I just dropped in. 459 00:30:55,954 --> 00:30:58,013 You devil, Lovejoy. 460 00:30:59,257 --> 00:31:02,556 Do you want a tuna fish sandwich or shall we go straight upstairs? 461 00:31:02,627 --> 00:31:04,094 - Do I have a choice? - No. 462 00:31:04,162 --> 00:31:05,959 We've got loads of time. 463 00:31:06,030 --> 00:31:09,989 Charlie goes down the White Hart on Thursdays. (Laughs) 464 00:31:10,068 --> 00:31:11,365 Amanda? 465 00:31:17,375 --> 00:31:20,606 ( 466 00:31:40,231 --> 00:31:41,858 Did you get 'em? 467 00:31:52,377 --> 00:31:53,674 (Whispers) Did you get 'em? 468 00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:57,545 No, he's got them locked up or something. Come on, let's go. 469 00:31:57,615 --> 00:31:59,708 Christ, Lovejoy, you've been gone for nearly two hours. 470 00:31:59,784 --> 00:32:03,948 - What the hell were you been doing in there? - Something came up... unexpectedly. 471 00:32:08,559 --> 00:32:09,856 Lovejoy? 472 00:32:14,198 --> 00:32:16,166 Hello? 473 00:32:18,536 --> 00:32:19,833 (Jane) Lovejoy? 474 00:33:01,713 --> 00:33:03,010 Good morning. 475 00:33:04,382 --> 00:33:06,976 So, this is where you hide yourself away. 476 00:33:07,051 --> 00:33:10,509 Well, I'm relieved to find it's not stuffed with the bodies of rich widows. 477 00:33:10,588 --> 00:33:12,647 What are you doing here? What time is it? 478 00:33:12,724 --> 00:33:15,818 I brought you some of Mrs. Cameron's home-made chutney. 479 00:33:15,893 --> 00:33:18,054 And it's ten past nine. 480 00:33:18,129 --> 00:33:21,428 - What have you been doing all night? - Working. 481 00:33:21,499 --> 00:33:23,660 - This is war. - War? 482 00:33:23,735 --> 00:33:25,532 With Charlie Gimbert. 483 00:33:25,603 --> 00:33:28,538 We're gonna get Carinna's figures back and we're gonna stuff it to Gimbert. 484 00:33:28,606 --> 00:33:30,574 - Oh, we? - Well, I need your help. 485 00:33:30,641 --> 00:33:32,268 And possibly Carinna's. 486 00:33:32,343 --> 00:33:36,473 And I want you to find Eric and Tinker in town and tell them to put it about that I'm away 487 00:33:36,547 --> 00:33:39,107 and if you can tell anyone that asks the same thing. 488 00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:42,710 - Oh, one more thing. Come on. - What did your last servant die of? 489 00:33:42,787 --> 00:33:48,419 Now I told myself once that I would never ever sell this. 490 00:33:48,493 --> 00:33:52,554 It's very, very dear to my heart. 491 00:33:52,630 --> 00:33:57,363 It's even dearer to Charlie's heart. It's his passion and his weakness. 492 00:33:57,435 --> 00:34:01,872 - Oh, that's lovely. - It's jade. 493 00:34:01,939 --> 00:34:05,636 I want you to enter it in next week's auction at Maples. 494 00:34:05,710 --> 00:34:08,474 Use your own name or a friend's or a relative's. 495 00:34:08,546 --> 00:34:11,515 Anyone's, as long as it's not traceable back to me. 496 00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:16,316 - What exactly is this all about? - Oh, there is one thing. 497 00:34:17,155 --> 00:34:21,990 Do you think that you could um... get me some blinds or curtains or something? 498 00:34:22,060 --> 00:34:24,722 Well, forgery should not be seen, don't you think? 499 00:34:24,796 --> 00:34:26,423 Forgery? 500 00:34:32,236 --> 00:34:35,262 There's lots of stuff to get and I need you to bank me, Tink. 501 00:34:35,339 --> 00:34:37,034 - Who's the mark? - Gimbert. 502 00:34:37,108 --> 00:34:38,598 I'll bank you. 503 00:34:38,676 --> 00:34:42,373 - Good man, but don't buy the stuff locally. - I didn't come down in the last shower. 504 00:34:42,447 --> 00:34:44,312 I'll pop into Norwich. 505 00:34:47,752 --> 00:34:50,277 Ah, I wonder if you can help me. 506 00:34:50,354 --> 00:34:53,721 I have a friend staying in the area and I've forgotten her address. 507 00:34:53,791 --> 00:34:56,259 Perhaps you recognize her? 508 00:34:56,327 --> 00:34:58,227 Never seen her. 509 00:34:58,296 --> 00:35:01,265 I think I'd remember if I had. 510 00:35:02,166 --> 00:35:03,793 Sorry. 511 00:35:05,036 --> 00:35:09,336 Very pretty. Nothing that tasty in these parts. 512 00:35:09,407 --> 00:35:11,534 Ah, well. Thank you. 513 00:35:13,945 --> 00:35:18,314 Oh, a bit of a long shot, but it's not all that large a place. 514 00:35:18,382 --> 00:35:20,748 Do you know anyone by the name of Lovejoy? 515 00:35:20,818 --> 00:35:24,686 - He's in antiques or something. - Name rings a vague bell. 516 00:35:25,623 --> 00:35:28,057 - Lovejoy? - Strange name. 517 00:35:28,126 --> 00:35:29,718 Lovejoy. (Chuckles) 518 00:35:33,364 --> 00:35:38,324 - I'm retired now, Tinker. - You can't do that, Cuthie. 519 00:35:38,402 --> 00:35:41,803 You're a dying breed, you said so yourself. 520 00:35:41,873 --> 00:35:44,637 Well, I'm still a forger. 521 00:35:44,709 --> 00:35:49,146 And the older I get, the more worried Mrs. Cuthbertson gets. 522 00:35:53,251 --> 00:35:57,711 There is nothing wrong with good honest forging. 523 00:36:00,424 --> 00:36:02,858 It's a respectable trade. 524 00:36:07,498 --> 00:36:11,025 It's done a great deal for mankind. 525 00:36:13,704 --> 00:36:15,331 What do you want? 526 00:36:17,642 --> 00:36:20,110 It's up to you, Cuthie. 527 00:36:21,479 --> 00:36:23,106 What about a letter? 528 00:36:25,149 --> 00:36:28,084 You've done some blinding letters. 529 00:36:28,753 --> 00:36:32,189 - Peninsular War? - Perfect! 530 00:36:36,260 --> 00:36:39,923 Anything that you see or hear during the next few nights, Eric, 531 00:36:39,997 --> 00:36:42,397 you will remember as purely theoretical. 532 00:36:43,167 --> 00:36:46,898 Under our curriculum, this will be categorized as Principles of Forging. 533 00:36:46,971 --> 00:36:48,632 Practical Forging more like. 534 00:36:48,706 --> 00:36:50,503 Console yourself with the thought that Michelangelo 535 00:36:50,575 --> 00:36:53,635 was the most expert forger of the Renaissance era. 536 00:36:53,711 --> 00:36:56,703 He only got caught because he bragged about it in the local boozer. 537 00:36:56,781 --> 00:36:59,272 Even my idol Faberg� turned his hand to it. 538 00:36:59,350 --> 00:37:01,113 Who, him what made the eggs? 539 00:37:01,185 --> 00:37:04,586 Yes, Catchpole. Him what made the eggs. 540 00:37:07,091 --> 00:37:09,286 541 00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:11,988 542 00:37:12,063 --> 00:37:13,496 543 00:37:13,564 --> 00:37:16,260 544 00:37:20,671 --> 00:37:22,639 (Lovejoy) OK? Steady. 545 00:38:46,791 --> 00:38:48,224 Morning, Mr. Gimbert. 546 00:38:49,927 --> 00:38:52,395 - Can I give you a hand? - What? 547 00:38:53,264 --> 00:38:54,891 Oh, right you are. 548 00:38:54,965 --> 00:38:56,592 You're a fit lad. 549 00:38:58,803 --> 00:39:01,431 What's happened to your mentor Lovejoy? 550 00:39:01,505 --> 00:39:02,972 What's he up to? 551 00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:06,476 Oh, I'm not sure actually. I think he's up north on the knocker. 552 00:39:06,544 --> 00:39:10,207 - Oh, that desperate, is he? - Back Tuesday, though. 553 00:39:10,281 --> 00:39:13,580 Wants to catch Maples sale. Adamant about that he was. 554 00:39:13,651 --> 00:39:15,949 - Oh, yeah? - Apparently. 555 00:39:22,326 --> 00:39:27,127 I used hot pressed paper, dipped it in permanganate of potash, 556 00:39:27,198 --> 00:39:31,225 and then I frayed it with very fine sandpaper to give it age. 557 00:39:35,773 --> 00:39:38,333 I used a real quill pen. Oh! 558 00:39:38,409 --> 00:39:40,172 Oh! 559 00:39:40,244 --> 00:39:43,736 And I made some ink by crushing oak from the garden. 560 00:39:43,814 --> 00:39:45,611 Now all we've got to do 561 00:39:45,683 --> 00:39:49,380 is give to it one or two very hot warmings in the oven. 562 00:39:49,453 --> 00:39:52,945 It's superb, Cuthie. It's superb. 563 00:39:53,023 --> 00:39:58,325 Nice to know we can still pull it off, isn't it, Tinker? 564 00:39:58,396 --> 00:40:02,196 Right I'd like to call this meeting to order. Shouldn't you close the doors? 565 00:40:02,266 --> 00:40:04,359 Oh, the staff are all dismissed for the day. 566 00:40:04,435 --> 00:40:06,960 - Nobody knows we're here. - Well, I really hope not. 567 00:40:07,037 --> 00:40:12,873 Now, our mark, our target, is Charles Gimbert. 568 00:40:12,943 --> 00:40:14,604 His passion is jade. 569 00:40:14,678 --> 00:40:17,545 And that bit I put in the auction via Jane is the bait. 570 00:40:17,615 --> 00:40:20,413 Charlie will bid for it but you, Carinna, are gonna outbid him. 571 00:40:20,484 --> 00:40:24,181 Don't worry if it goes over three grand, Jane will bankroll you. 572 00:40:24,255 --> 00:40:26,985 Oh, Charlie won't be suspicious you're a stranger. 573 00:40:27,057 --> 00:40:29,116 What happens when I get the jade? 574 00:40:29,193 --> 00:40:33,129 He'll want a trade-off, but he's got to have something to trade with. 575 00:40:33,197 --> 00:40:38,499 Something that will impress an expert like yourself, something of value. 576 00:40:41,205 --> 00:40:45,904 Tinker's already placed these three items in the auction under a phony name. 577 00:40:45,976 --> 00:40:48,206 But how can you be sure he'll bid for any of these? 578 00:40:48,279 --> 00:40:49,769 Because I'll bid. 579 00:40:49,847 --> 00:40:53,977 Charlie's the bane of my life at auctions, he always outbids me in everything. 580 00:40:54,051 --> 00:40:58,488 And not just to screw me, he knows if I'm bidding it's usually for something tasty. 581 00:40:58,556 --> 00:41:01,957 That's why I occasionally bid for a bit of crap so he'll end up with it. 582 00:41:02,526 --> 00:41:06,189 But he usually comes out all right and these are tempting. 583 00:41:06,263 --> 00:41:07,560 Gimbert will... 584 00:41:07,631 --> 00:41:09,724 Eric! 585 00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:12,030 Gimbert will be fooled. 586 00:41:12,102 --> 00:41:14,161 There could be one problem. 587 00:41:14,238 --> 00:41:17,366 You never know when some local housewife or a pair of newlyweds from Hampstead 588 00:41:17,441 --> 00:41:20,001 will pop up with some ludicrous bid. 589 00:41:20,077 --> 00:41:21,874 And I don't want any of these forgeries 590 00:41:21,946 --> 00:41:24,642 ending up in the hands of some innocent bystander. 591 00:41:24,715 --> 00:41:26,205 So Jane... 592 00:41:26,283 --> 00:41:29,775 If Charlie drops out of the bidding, you will have to outbid anyone else. 593 00:41:29,854 --> 00:41:31,788 I can't push it, it will look too dodgy. 594 00:41:31,856 --> 00:41:34,450 (Jane) Right, got it. 595 00:41:34,525 --> 00:41:37,323 - Bright and early this morning, Lady Jane. - Mm. 596 00:41:39,129 --> 00:41:41,495 Lots to do today, Stan. Big day. 597 00:41:42,333 --> 00:41:46,599 (Lovejoy) 0h, don't worry. You'll get your money back. We all will. 598 00:41:50,374 --> 00:41:53,207 - Mostly rubbish, ain't it? - You'd know, of course. 599 00:41:53,611 --> 00:41:55,476 No, I'm just going by their reactions. 600 00:41:55,546 --> 00:41:59,107 They usually rubbish everything, hide the fact that there's something in there that they want. 601 00:41:59,183 --> 00:42:01,879 It's called shading the stock. 602 00:42:01,952 --> 00:42:03,943 Your crony Lovejoy back then, eh? 603 00:42:04,021 --> 00:42:06,216 Oh, yeah, wouldn't miss this one. 604 00:42:06,290 --> 00:42:07,552 Why don't you keep your mouth... 605 00:42:07,625 --> 00:42:09,422 - Morning, Fred. - Morning, Lovejoy. 606 00:42:09,493 --> 00:42:11,461 Morning, all. 607 00:42:11,529 --> 00:42:14,555 - What's it like then, Charlie? - Rubbish, what else? 608 00:42:14,632 --> 00:42:16,532 Oh, maybe, but you know me. 609 00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:19,831 No matter what or where the auction, I still get the same old buzz. 610 00:42:20,571 --> 00:42:24,564 Somewhere amongst all the bric-a-brac and tacky trinkets 611 00:42:24,642 --> 00:42:27,008 there's a gem going for a song. 612 00:42:27,778 --> 00:42:31,714 - Not here there isn't. - Is that true, Tink? 613 00:42:31,782 --> 00:42:33,750 Excuse me, Charlie. 614 00:42:47,598 --> 00:42:52,592 (Auctioneer) We're about to start, ladies and gentlemen so if you could take your places. 615 00:42:54,171 --> 00:42:57,572 Ladies and gentlemen, we seem to have a nice crowd here this morning and... 616 00:42:57,641 --> 00:43:00,542 Plenty or trawlers here today and a few ringers. 617 00:43:00,611 --> 00:43:03,341 He seemed quite impressed by your items. 618 00:43:03,414 --> 00:43:05,678 Credit to my craft, eh? 619 00:43:05,749 --> 00:43:08,843 - Where are the girls? - (Auctioneer) Who'll give me five pounds? 620 00:43:08,919 --> 00:43:11,387 Five pounds? Five pounds, sir. 621 00:43:11,455 --> 00:43:14,322 Now, come on how about this? Six pounds? Six pounds? 622 00:43:14,391 --> 00:43:17,485 Anyone give me six pounds? Six pounds? Six pounds, sir. 623 00:43:17,561 --> 00:43:21,292 Right, now let's have a little more, shall we, How about seven? Seven pounds? 624 00:43:21,365 --> 00:43:24,061 All right, Tink, we're off. Sit back and enjoy the ride. 625 00:43:24,134 --> 00:43:28,571 (Auctioneer) Seven pounds, going cheap. Seven pounds. Seven, seven, seven pounds. 626 00:43:28,639 --> 00:43:30,402 What about eight? Eight pounds? 627 00:43:30,474 --> 00:43:32,374 - 7.50. - (Auctioneer) 7.50, right. 628 00:43:32,443 --> 00:43:35,173 All done at 7.50, to that gentlemen there. 629 00:43:36,180 --> 00:43:37,807 Mr. Grant. 630 00:43:37,881 --> 00:43:40,315 Now, lot number 2... 631 00:43:40,618 --> 00:43:42,210 That's all we need. 632 00:43:42,286 --> 00:43:45,949 (Auctioneer) A very desirable thing that is, too. 633 00:43:46,023 --> 00:43:48,253 Now who'll bid me, eh? Who'll bid? 634 00:43:48,859 --> 00:43:51,487 I haven't got the money. I've already told you. 635 00:43:51,562 --> 00:43:54,929 - Do you really want to talk to this person? - No, and he knows that. 636 00:43:54,999 --> 00:43:57,229 - Excuse me this is... - Shut your face, David. 637 00:43:57,301 --> 00:43:59,792 Now you dry your eyes and get back in there. 638 00:43:59,870 --> 00:44:01,132 We're counting on you. 639 00:44:01,205 --> 00:44:03,730 - OK? - OK. 640 00:44:03,807 --> 00:44:05,434 Go on. 641 00:44:07,845 --> 00:44:09,472 Who are you to talk to me like that? 642 00:44:09,546 --> 00:44:14,210 Who do I have to be to talk to you like that? Look, I know who you are and what you do. 643 00:44:14,284 --> 00:44:17,082 - Need a hand, Lovejoy? - Wouldn't mind, Les. 644 00:44:17,154 --> 00:44:19,349 Moving rubbish is in your line, isn't it? 645 00:44:19,423 --> 00:44:22,256 Look, I'm not leaving here till I've spoken to her. 646 00:44:23,694 --> 00:44:26,254 - (Hoot) - Yes, you are. 647 00:44:27,598 --> 00:44:30,192 Now, lot 40. 648 00:44:30,267 --> 00:44:33,134 The John Varley landscape in watercolor. 649 00:44:33,203 --> 00:44:35,728 Now who'll start me off this time? 650 00:44:35,806 --> 00:44:37,831 775? 775. 651 00:44:37,908 --> 00:44:40,240 775, 775? �800? 652 00:44:40,310 --> 00:44:44,303 �800, �800. �825, �825. 653 00:44:44,381 --> 00:44:47,316 �850. �850. 654 00:44:47,384 --> 00:44:49,215 Any more for �850? �850. 655 00:44:49,286 --> 00:44:52,278 875? 875, 875. 656 00:44:52,356 --> 00:44:54,290 875. �900. 657 00:44:54,358 --> 00:44:56,189 �900, I'm bid. �900. 658 00:44:56,260 --> 00:44:58,125 �900. 925. 659 00:44:58,195 --> 00:45:00,720 �925 I'm bid. 660 00:45:00,798 --> 00:45:02,197 Now I'm going to sell this... 661 00:45:02,266 --> 00:45:04,234 �925 I'm bid now. 662 00:45:04,301 --> 00:45:08,294 Going once. �925. 663 00:45:08,372 --> 00:45:11,034 950. �950. 664 00:45:11,108 --> 00:45:13,235 - Charlie? - Yep. 665 00:45:13,310 --> 00:45:16,643 Any more for 950? 975. 975, 975. 666 00:45:16,714 --> 00:45:20,980 One thousand pounds, one thousand pounds. All done at a thousand? 667 00:45:21,051 --> 00:45:23,519 One thousand pounds, Sold to Mr. Gimbert. 668 00:45:25,322 --> 00:45:27,153 One down. 669 00:45:29,460 --> 00:45:32,258 Were you bidding there? I never saw you move. 670 00:45:32,329 --> 00:45:34,695 A wink's as good as a flag to an auctioneer. 671 00:45:34,765 --> 00:45:36,824 Now we come to the glassware. 672 00:45:36,900 --> 00:45:41,064 Who'll start me off at �275? �275? 673 00:45:41,138 --> 00:45:43,538 Thank you, sir. �275. 674 00:45:43,607 --> 00:45:45,199 275. �300. 675 00:45:45,275 --> 00:45:47,937 �300. �300. Any more than �300? 676 00:45:48,011 --> 00:45:49,569 �300. �300. 677 00:45:49,646 --> 00:45:51,671 �325. Lady there. 678 00:45:51,749 --> 00:45:54,149 �325. �325. 679 00:45:54,218 --> 00:45:56,618 �325. �350. 680 00:45:56,687 --> 00:45:58,382 350. 350. 681 00:45:58,455 --> 00:46:01,151 375. 375, 375. 682 00:46:01,225 --> 00:46:04,092 �400. �400 to the lady. 683 00:46:04,161 --> 00:46:06,527 Going to the lady at �400. 684 00:46:10,501 --> 00:46:13,129 - May I have your name please, madam? - Felsham. 685 00:46:13,203 --> 00:46:14,431 Mrs. Felsham, thank you. 686 00:46:16,340 --> 00:46:20,970 Lot 60. An interesting Peninsular War... 687 00:46:21,044 --> 00:46:22,944 95. �95. 688 00:46:23,013 --> 00:46:24,571 �95. �95... 689 00:46:24,648 --> 00:46:26,707 �100. �100 I'm bid. 690 00:46:26,784 --> 00:46:29,218 All done at 100. All done at 100. 691 00:46:29,286 --> 00:46:31,618 �100, sold to Mr. Gimbert. 692 00:46:34,424 --> 00:46:40,363 Right, now, uh, lot number 61, the Chinese jade vase. 693 00:46:40,430 --> 00:46:42,921 Now who'll start me off at �1,500? 694 00:46:43,000 --> 00:46:46,401 �1,500? �1,500 thank you, madam. 695 00:46:49,540 --> 00:46:51,201 Quitting already, Lovejoy? 696 00:46:51,275 --> 00:46:54,904 I wouldn't last long with you, Charlie, if it's jade. 697 00:46:54,978 --> 00:46:57,742 - Fancy a drink, Tink? - I'll have a jar, ta. 698 00:46:59,516 --> 00:47:00,778 �1,575? 699 00:47:00,851 --> 00:47:04,014 1,575. 1,580? �1,580. 700 00:47:04,087 --> 00:47:06,783 �1,600. Thank you, sir. 701 00:47:06,857 --> 00:47:09,451 Glad you got the teapot, don't like enamel myself. 702 00:47:09,526 --> 00:47:10,891 I think it's sweet. 703 00:47:10,961 --> 00:47:14,124 I was a bit pissed off with your friend Lady La-di-dah pipped me for the glass, 704 00:47:14,198 --> 00:47:17,326 - Phoenician, I thought. Very upset. - Don't be. Phony. 705 00:47:17,401 --> 00:47:18,698 Are you certain? 706 00:47:36,987 --> 00:47:38,284 Well? 707 00:47:40,057 --> 00:47:41,354 She got it. 708 00:47:54,071 --> 00:47:56,266 - He's gone to the Cross Keys. - And Carinna? 709 00:48:03,947 --> 00:48:06,211 Not wed to the jade, you said. 710 00:48:06,283 --> 00:48:10,879 Well, I'd rather set my heart on it, which is why I couldn't bid for anything else. 711 00:48:10,954 --> 00:48:14,151 Which is a pity because there were some rather nice pieces. 712 00:48:14,591 --> 00:48:18,994 I think you yourself acquired two particularly attractive items. 713 00:48:19,429 --> 00:48:20,953 Yes, er... 714 00:48:21,031 --> 00:48:24,228 A Peninsular War letter and a Varley watercolor. 715 00:48:24,301 --> 00:48:26,462 - Madam? - Oh, Perrier, please. 716 00:48:26,536 --> 00:48:28,436 Nothing for me, thank you. 717 00:48:29,539 --> 00:48:33,771 My brother, he collects military manuscripts and memorabilia. 718 00:48:33,844 --> 00:48:36,870 Oh, and I adore Varley. 719 00:48:36,947 --> 00:48:41,077 I was, um... I was just thinking. 720 00:48:42,452 --> 00:48:46,889 - You'd trade? - Well, it does seem rather sensible. 721 00:48:46,957 --> 00:48:50,222 - Or course there would be a balance. - Oh, I'd make up the cash. 722 00:48:53,163 --> 00:48:55,131 I suppose so. 723 00:48:59,503 --> 00:49:01,733 Or do you have something else? 724 00:49:03,040 --> 00:49:05,270 (Laughter) 725 00:49:05,342 --> 00:49:07,071 To Carinna! 726 00:49:08,145 --> 00:49:11,637 I wish I'd been a fly on the wall, but you pulled it off. It was agony sitting in the street. 727 00:49:11,715 --> 00:49:12,977 I was so nervous. 728 00:49:13,050 --> 00:49:17,885 I was shitting bricks. I mean I was, er... sorry. 729 00:49:18,689 --> 00:49:19,986 Thank you, Eric. 730 00:49:20,057 --> 00:49:21,854 It's adding up time, ladies and gentlemen, 731 00:49:21,925 --> 00:49:26,419 In the plus column, we have for the manuscript and Varley, �1,100. 732 00:49:26,496 --> 00:49:28,987 That's minus the commission for the auctioneers. 733 00:49:29,066 --> 00:49:32,126 Plus �2,000 for the jade and 400 for the glassware. 734 00:49:32,202 --> 00:49:36,730 That's a total of 3,500 in the plus column. 735 00:49:36,807 --> 00:49:40,265 The minus column we owe Jane 400 for the glass, Carinna 2,000 for the jade 736 00:49:40,344 --> 00:49:43,780 and for my materials... 200? 737 00:49:43,847 --> 00:49:48,580 So that's 2,600 in the minus column, 2,600 and 3,500, 738 00:49:48,652 --> 00:49:50,847 that's �900 in the kitty. 739 00:49:51,588 --> 00:49:54,921 And we got all the forgeries back and Carinna didn't have to use the three grand 740 00:49:54,992 --> 00:49:56,459 that she borrowed for the jade. 741 00:49:56,526 --> 00:49:59,825 Oh, days like this, my friends, they lift the heart. 742 00:49:59,896 --> 00:50:02,558 - Lift the glass. - Just a minute, Lovejoy. 743 00:50:02,632 --> 00:50:06,363 - I still owe you for the jade. - For his time. 744 00:50:06,436 --> 00:50:08,404 - Yeah, I made it. - When? 745 00:50:08,472 --> 00:50:11,839 Two years ago. Took me nine weeks. 746 00:50:11,908 --> 00:50:14,433 I knew it would come in useful one day. 747 00:50:14,511 --> 00:50:17,708 - You mean... - It was a forgery like all the others. 748 00:50:18,915 --> 00:50:21,008 I signed it with my own name. 749 00:50:21,084 --> 00:50:24,076 Free and clear, my dears, free and clear. 750 00:50:27,491 --> 00:50:29,891 Jade is a wondrous stone, Bigelow. 751 00:50:30,727 --> 00:50:34,163 Oily and smooth and hard as nails. 752 00:50:34,231 --> 00:50:36,893 Yes, Mr. Gimbert. 753 00:50:36,967 --> 00:50:39,959 Get the hand lens, see if there's a maker's inscription. 754 00:50:42,439 --> 00:50:45,067 Tasty bit of upper class crumpet, that bird. 755 00:50:45,142 --> 00:50:48,305 Still I killed her on the deal. 756 00:50:48,378 --> 00:50:49,345 Well? 757 00:50:50,914 --> 00:50:54,372 - Anything? - Can't make it out, Mr. Gimbert. 758 00:50:54,451 --> 00:50:56,180 It's obviously very ancient. 759 00:50:56,787 --> 00:50:58,755 (Laughs)